For weeks now I have been trying to write something for this
blog. I’ve been writing and writing and
nothing good seems to come of it. This,
I have concluded, is because I have been trying and trying. Unfortunately for
me, I am not one of those people who can churn out any writing by trying. Anything that I feel is worthwhile being read has to be born of experience,
struggle and inspiration. It has to be
written at 3:48am in the morning, like now, because I cannot sleep until it (whatever 'it' is) has been put down in words.
This is something I have discovered about my tiny stories
and also my tiny life. I am always
trying to find a formula for my writing and for my life. I want to know exactly how I should go about
life so that no matter what, it will be a success. With writing I want to find
a way to be able to be as other great writers who would sit and force
themselves to write and great things would come out of it. All that the trying
does is just exhaust and frustrate me and make me decide that I will never
write again.
This is exactly true of my life too. I so badly want a formula. I want to know how I should live. I want to do it the ‘right’ way. I do not want to make mistakes or live with
regrets. I want to live everyday
following ‘the formula’ so that in the end I will have done everything right
and have my story all neatly played out.
For the past month I have been worrying and stressing a lot
about life; begging God to show me how to live. I told Him that I do not want
grey areas. I want black and white so
that I know exactly what I should do to live the kind of life that He wants. I felt that this was godly because with a
formula to follow, I would be sure to do what was right and so please Him.
But last night, I lay on my floor crying because I was just
so exhausted by all the trying. I wanted
to give it all up just like I wanted to give up writing after trying to conjure
up some magic on a topic. And the more I
have thought about it, the more I realize that I am so tired not because it is
not good to be seeking God’s ways to live, but that I was doing it so that I
could control my life.
Again and again I come up against huge ‘issues’ in modern
life, grey areas – money, food, wealth, poverty, vanity, time – and I feel
convicted on some area of it and immediately I want to put a law down on how to
change and perfect this area in my life.
I can’t eat this, I can’t buy that, I should stop wearing makeup, I
should delete all my social media etc etc.
I want to make it black and white.
But I cannot. I feel as if there are just too many grey areas where I
can not be certain of what is right or wrong.
I want the law. I wish
I could have been the Israelites who knew exactly what one was supposed to do
when one found mildew in one’s house or had a rash on their left ear lobe. It is not because I want to please God or
earn my salvation but rather it is more depraved than that. I want to please myself. I want to look at my life and be able to say
‘well done, good and faithful servant’ – I do not value God’s praise enough.
The chief reason I want a formula however is because I do not want to trust
God. If I have a formula then I know
what to do, I know how to live and can be independent of Him. I have asked God over and over why life is
not simply right or wrong, why do there have to be so many shadows and
different methods and people with different ideas. Surely if it was simply black or white then
we could glorify Him that much easier.
This life is so many variations of colour and everywhere you
look there are people living it out in different patterns and hues. These
shades and hues and spectrums of light and shadow are infinitely more beautiful
than bland black or white. Above and beyond that, so many colours and
variations make us seek and trust God in a way that black and white would not. The
world is full of a million people, doing life in so many different ways and God
uses each and every one of us and all our crazy ideas and actions in crafting
His masterful story.
We live in a pluralistic world where supposedly nothing is
right or wrong. We can choose. And it is awful because we are confused,
especially Christians, in knowing what is good and what is bad. We immediately want law to decide for us. And
then we immediately want to tell others how they ought to live. However the law has been fulfilled and we now
live by grace.
Grace is a million colours, reflected in a thousand
ways. And we cannot control that grace
or have a 3 step program on how it applies to any given situation. Grace is new each day, it has to be lived in
and our eyes have to be open to it in every person and situation. It is a constant relying on the Giver of
Grace. Wherever I am, whether living a first-world lifestyle in Sweden or in
poverty in the Transkei, South Africa, I am living in God’s grace. It is not right or wrong, all is ordained by
God and I can simply walk in the paths He has set before me, seeking His face
every moment.
Tiny Stories and tiny lives are not the result of careful
planning and control. They are not black
words on white. Instead they are a
millions colours of light, dancing and shimmering on a page as the Grace Writer
writes with His glorious pen, and we interact and live out the story. The colours of grace envelop all that we do;
our failings and successes, our lifestyles and culture and mindset all become
His glory.
His glory and His story is not shades of grey but infinite shades of
grace.
