I came abroad in order to follow my dream and pursue the
purpose that I had for my life. But once
I got here, all those dreams and purposes were not what I really wanted. All of a sudden I was at a total loose end, I
did not know why I had come here and fell into a deep despondency that at times
still grips me.
I felt like I was wasting a year of my life doing something
that I did not really enjoy and that was not going to get me anywhere in my
career. I was beating myself up for
making this happen when I clearly was meant to stay at home.
But fortunately for me, God ordains everything. Even the bugger ups we make He turns into His
perfect will. There is such comfort in
that! Because when we hold onto that,
there is always hope.
I came here on a mission to do a whole lot of stuff; study
Swedish, do short courses -- all so that I could maybe study here further and
possibly stay for a longer period of time.
Now that I think of that I feel really dumb for being so naive. I cannot
wait to go home.
So after six months of feeling really despondent and
homesick - which at times I still am - I am able to catch a glimpse of what God
has given me in this year. He has
blessed me with a whole new way of life, a new family, time and space to relax
and just simply be. The problem is that
for so long I have been feeling down for not achieving what I planned when
really something much more wonderful has simply been given to me as a gift.
I have really learned a lot more about what life is
about. I have always been very focused
and purposeful. Everything I do has to
be seen as worthwhile in reaching a specific goal for me to put effort in to
it.
I love to-do lists and planning and ticking off tasks
completed. Those who know me will all
know of my daily planner obsession with all its little boxes waiting to be
ticked off. Many people always admired
my organisation and I took pride in being someone who accomplished a lot of
things.
But this year, I got so tired of it all - the constant
pressure to always be doing something, to always be achieving something – was
wearing me out. This was partly because
I got here and was at a loose end as to what exactly the point of this whole
experience was. I have been suffering
from a bad case of anxiety and this quote kind of helped me figure out why.
I am so grateful for this time which although tough, has
taught me to be still and know and to live in the present. At moments ‘the
present’ has seemed like a never ending plain of the Free State stretching out
before me. And its weight has pressed
down on me like the Natal humidity making it hard to breathe at times.
Life is not about getting anywhere or accomplishing anything
really. It is, well, it is about
living. I feel like I have lived in a
daydream for most of my life thinking that everything would be perfect once I
had achieved a specific goal – once I had finished school or got my degree, if
I could live abroad, get the perfect job, travel, see the world – but with the
achievement of each goal, another one quickly emerged and yet again I was
living for the future of ‘when’.
This year I am learning that life is really nothing
big. It is not some big calling or
mission. As Christians we often feel
like we need this huge purpose. But our
purpose is just to live and to live fully.
We are called. Called to be one
of God’s children. And that happens in
the everyday and ordinary that you find yourself in. I constantly find myself
getting anxious about what I am supposed to be doing and where my life is heading. It is times at these that I have to remember
to TRUST. Because wherever I go or whatever I do, it is ordained by the Author
of life and so even if it seems pointless, I can know it will turn out into a
great story.